It’s Too Darn Hot!

To quote Cole Porter, Ella Fitzgerald, Mel Torme and countless others, “It’s too darn hot!”

Have you ever eaten Indian food and an hour after the meal, the heat from the lamb vindaloo is still with you? Unlike other spicy foods that  just hit you and leave, it lingers on your lips for before moving to the throat and eventually to a place where the arms and wrists meet.

As I write this, it is hot. It’s so hot you can see the heat rising off the sidewalk and asphalt outside. When it’s this hot, I want to just fall into a comatose-like slumber in nothing but underwear and a white t-shirt while Billie Holiday plays. The air feels like whiskey when I inhale. So warm and soothing and then it burns as it trickles through my ribs into my lungs. I have to flip myself on my bed like an egg so I can feel at least a small amount of stability in my body.

When the weather outside is this hot, I want to find myself lost on the most remote quadrant of Antarctica and slowly freeze. I don’t want to make any movement of any kind because physical activity equals heat. That is how hot it is.

I love when it’s cold outside. Fall and winter are by far the best seasons of them all. During the fall, everything is in earth tones and there feels like there’s some form of order everywhere, it’s just pure joy. When there’s cold weather, I want to ride the train all day and listen to Nat King Cole while looking out the window. If I had it my way, it would be fall year round.

But never fear, air conditioning is here! Ehh… I love when the weather’s cold but I hate air conditioning. Isn’t that peculiar? Cold weather means wearing fuzzy slippers and eating hardy stew. AC being on during a hot day is like that scene in “The Walking Dead” when zombies are surrounding the tank that Rick’s in. There’s some security, but chaos is just an open door away.

That’s not to say I don’t enjoy hot weather. When there’s hot weather, I can go to the beach, I can get a sunburn. There’s always someone barbecuing and plus fireworks. Who doesn’t like fireworks (besides dogs)? Hot weather always brings families together. Why wouldn’t it? When it’s hot, you can complain about the heat with each other, eat potato salad, talk about kale. Isn’t that fun? We all pretend to hate spending time with our families but deep down we all love it.

This year, there’s supposed to be an El Niño that will break records (has it ever not?). That means eventually it’s going to rain so much that things will be destroyed. Disastrous proportions perhaps? Probably not. But when that disaster hits and I’m only thirty seconds away from total destruction, I’m going to think about AC, Billie Holiday and hot weather.

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